Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Becca's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 27th, 2001
11:38 pm	where did today go? i'm just sitting here thinking that i had already wrote today. but that was yesterday. i dont know where today went. i guess i slept and stayed in bed for most of it. i woke up around 1, and stayed out of bed until the game started at 3:30. i had planned on watching it upstairs with the gang, but i wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone. i think i've said a total of maybe 2 words today. anyway, i feel asleep, well more like in a semi-conscious state. i woke up to see us lose, and i've been piddling around since. i took a shower, but even that didnt make me feel better. i'm thinking about going for a walk, but i'm not even sure that it will make me feel better. i needed to do work today too. damn. oh well, i'm off to do something.... Current Mood: numb Current Music: hey jude (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:25 am	oh yeah..court oh yeah. i forgot to mention that i went to observe a court session today(i wasnt the one on trial :P). its for one of my classes and i had to do it today, or get screwed over in the class. so it took me over an hour to get there, and then they onyl had one real trial in progress. so i sat in on a rape trial. luckily, the victim wasnt there, so it wasnt so graphic, but it was still disturbing. i cant imagine going through that, or having so much of my life on display or even that many people putting energy into it. when i had talked to people before about whether or not we would try to prosecute if we were raped and were 100% about the guilty. i had always said that i would, not so much to get justice, but to prevent it from happening again. now, i'm not so sure. i just cant imagine what that woman must have felt, and i only watched a few hours of the trial. it happened over a year ago, and its still unresolved. makes you wonder. it also made me question going into law. i'm not sure i'd want to do that work day in and day out. i guess i'll have to think about that. anyway, i just thought that i might add that. Current Mood: sad Current Music: amazing grace (Comment on this)
1:00 am	not much to tell not much going on. same old. same old. except i'm being a little more honest with myself. i'll be ok, then i'll be stuck in bed, or get so anxious that i cant do anything. or when i do force myself to go a full day and do stuff, i feel totally drained and horrible for a few days. the doc uped my my prescription starting sometime next week, so hopefully that'll work. if not, we're gonna start mixing drugs. i also missed therapy this week. i didnt mean too. i hadnt slept in two days and then crashed. i'm generaly a light sleeper, but i slept right through my alarm, my roommate coming in(thats pretty hard to miss, she's loud) and didnt even roll over momentarily until 45 minutes after my session should have ended. then i rolled back over and slept til mid afternoon and my classes were over. i'm in trouble if i dont start going more. so, i missed therapy and am anxious to go next week. i had told her before that i didnt want to come(no one is forcing me, but...) so i'm afraid she'll think it was on purpose. i hate confrontation...esp. when i'm not doing well. when i'm good, i have no problem standing up for myself. my therapist had also asked me if i liked my psychiatrist. i was honest and said that i felt put off by him. she suggested that i talk to him about it. but when i went to go see him, i was in no mood to talk more than i had too. it was a very bad morning, well, bad day. and i didnt want to say anything. but they share files :( so he was like, is there anything you want to talk about, any questions, COMPLAINTS??? damn. i didnt know what to say...so i said something. i dont remember what, but i tried to get around it. anyway, its weird. i want these drugs to work, but i feel so weird and uncomfortable exposing myself. i've been locked up for so long. i dont even know how to express feelings or emotions anymore. i'm automatically 'fine' or 'good'. i am so rarely 'good'. i've had my moments or spells of happiness, but not too much. it seems like everytime this start to look better, something comes up. i dont know. this is just really weird. i've been trying to be more honest and open with people, but i'm finding it very hard. even with amy. i sent her an email telling her a little bit, but i dont know how. as for everyone else, i cant even begin. how do you tell people you love that you're so unhappy that you sometimes just want to curl up and sleep forever; that you just sit and stare into the ceiling trying to sleep because you're too anxious and tense; that you take long walks at night (which is stupid to do here) and just sit outside somewhere at 3am thinking for 2 hours; that you have to take hour long showers just to get out of the room but so that you dont have to be seen; that some mornings you wake up and dont want to talk to anyone, no one at all, not even your most treasured friends; and you never feel rested and rarely feel alive. i dont know. i sent out several emails last night to people i hadnt talked to in a while. i tried not to sound GREAT, but i was still avoiding anything that could be taken in a negative or well, depressing way. this has very little to do with my friends, so i feel like involving them would do no good. i know i need to let people into my life and let them care for me the same way i do for them, but wow, i dont know. kat knows what i'm going through, but even with her, i'll start telling whats going on, and she'll interupt with her deliema. and i want to be there for all of my friends, so i let them. i guess i really dont care enough for myself to expect others to. hmmm...rambling on. i'm gonna stop now, and not read what i've written. it wont make much sense anyway. save it for another day. time to crawl up and try to get some sleep. nite Current Mood: drained Current Music: sound of silence (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 21st, 2001
12:04 am	aye....a few weeks i guess its been a little bit since i wrote. hmmm...what has happened. a lot and nothing at the same time. i spent most of the last three weeks in bed (ending wed/thurs). i went to most of my classes, but that was about it. i lost a little weight from the medication taking away my appetite, but now its back. i dont know. its been weird. i had an unpleasant therapy session which caused me to cry for a couple of days. i hadnt cried in a long time. they say its bad when you're so numb that you cant cry. so, maybe its a good thing that i was crying. except that everything set me off, and i dont know exactly why i was upset. but i've felt ok since wed..i think. i havent been feeling great, but i've been wanting to get out of bed and see some people. after a few hours, i want to retreat again, but its a little better. hopefully its the meds working. i managed to stay out of bed all day on thursday, but that was because i had too. i had no class friday, so i slept in. i got andrae to go with me to rugged, so that was my time out in public. i think i jsut chilled and layed around for the rest of the day. today, i got up and went to the pentagon city mall. everyone else was afraid of going on the metro, so i went alone. i hadnt had the energy to leave campus in a while. i also ended up going to pg plaza. i have never felt so white...it was weird. but not bad...i got hit on twice, so that was nice :) when i got back i was exhausted, but did laundry. 4 loads. that took a while so thats all i've done. i'm exhausted, but i need to study for my midterm on monday. i've also got a psychiatrist appointment on monday morning, so its gonna be a busy day. i'm kinda mad that i have this appointment, its been less than three weeks, and the meds shouldnt have fully kicked in yet, and he said he cant up them anyway for another month...so why am i going? all i'm gonna say is that the side-effects havent been that bad, and i'm feeling a little better. augh...i also have a 9am therapy session on tuesday....fun, fun! well, i guess i should quit my bitching and complaining and get some work done...good nite...... Current Mood: drained Current Music: Aida (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2001
2:40 am	what to say? i dont even know what to say about the last two days. i guess short and simple would be the best way. i got medication :) hopefully it'll work. i'm hoping. kinda freaked out my mom, but i think that'll work itself out. expensive though, which means i have to get my dad involved, but if i feel better, it'll be worth it. i also talked a friend down tonight. kinda scary. but i'm not sure that she was actually thinking about doing it, but pretty close. i think we're ok now. people are keeping an eye on her, and she knows how much we love her and how much she means to us in our lives. thats a point i want to make here. i love all of you. the people that read this, my family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates, everyone... people never say that. i'm glad that all of these people are in my lives. although it doesnt seem significant, it is. every person you meet changes you. maybe its not a big one, or maybe its has a huge impact, it doesnt matter. you are changed forever. I know i wouldnt be here today if it wasnt for ben b. and i know that jeremy(yes you :P) has made me a different and better person. and i thank all of you for that. whether it was a simple hello or someone to talk to when i need to vent. it changes things. and i wish more people acknowledged these impacts. i had never even thought about telling my friend how much she meant to me, but she's been there for me so much this year. i know that i would be a totally different person if she hadnt been here, or if she was not longer here. its scary how much we let our minds screen our emotions. so, to end my "simple" rant, i love all of you, and want everyone to pass that love on. good nite :) Current Mood: thankful Current Music: you'll be in my heart (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 30th, 2001
3:34 pm	tommorrow... i'm going to go see a psychiatrist monday...its about time. as for this weekend, its been rough. i dont know what else to say. i just hope i go tommorrow and get help. i pray that they dont think i'm nuts in the sense that nothing is wrong wtih me. i dont know what i would do if they say they cant help... i'd probably cry for a week non-stop. anyway, i'm hoping tommorrow goes well. i'll try to remember to post. one of my friends started taking meds last week and last night she told me, "i dont feel that fear anymore". i'm tired of being afraid..of what, i dont know, maybe everything. Current Mood: drained Current Music: mozart (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
2:25 am	What the hell? I dont even know what to say. I just lived through another tornado...and the cops wont even let me close to my car. its in the lot where it touched down. The pics i've seen of that area are unbelieveable(terpidiots.com). classes for tommorrow are canceled. i'm just in shock... since when did maryland have tornados???? Current Mood: shocked Current Music: Duck and Run (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
11:32 pm	A little better I'm feeling a little better. i have had a few episodes tonight where i can feel the anxiety start to wash over me. ben goes in for surgery tommorrow morning, so that doesnt really help. i really wish i was there. but i cant do anything to change that. i'm planning on calling the mental health center tommorrow, but i dont know if i actually will. i've tried several times, but i always freak out. kat and kelli both are supposed to try to get me to call. it'll be at least a week, maybe more, before they will see me. i dont know. its weird. i dont know what to think other than i'm, well, i dont know. demented? maybe. i keep just thinking its all in my head. but even if it were, that would mean i have some from of problem. i just dont know. i've been here so many times before and i hate it here. it sucks. and its not normal... Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: American Beauty (Comment on this)
4:05 am	It's starting... It has started. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. i thought i was going good, but it hit me thursday. it was a really rough day, but i thought i had handled it well. but then i got the urge to retreat and stay forever. and i did. luckily, someone came and got me out(i dont remember who) and i went outside later. i'm not sure what was bothering me, but i couldnt sleep or sit still.... kat needed to talk, so i finally went to bed after 6am. Kat later woke me up around 11:30(after my class had started) and we had lunch. she was in bad shape. she started prozac wed, so she was having some weird reactions. i finally convinced her to go talk to someone, but i had to go with her. after 2 hours in the waiting room, we went to the co-op and got some food. then she asked me to go to a discussion so that she would feel more comfortable. it wasnt too bad. it was kinda nice to hear people talk against an all-out war. then i came back and called home. ben goes in for surgery on monday. i wish i could be there, but i have an exam and presentation on wed. i cant miss them... maybe i'll go home after that. so anyway, after that, i definately wanted to crawl into bed. and i did. i got a little sleep, but people were in and out of my room all night. finally, around 3am, i took two sleeping pill(you're only supposed to take one) and passed out. when i woke up this afternoon, i went to brunch with kat. then i went back to bed.. i woke up around dinnner and got up simply because i was hungry. then i took a shower. it was one of those showers where you just let the water run over you for an hour. except mine was longer. i couldnt cry, but i just sat there and rocked myself. i dont know why. if anyone could have seen me, they probably would think that i had totally lost it. maybe that is what makes this all so frustrating. i hide how i feel. when i finally went upstairs tonight, noone had a clue that i had had a weird day or that i wasnt doing great. i feel like i'm just psycho and nuts and that i'm not really depressed or it's all in my mind. but sometimes i know its real, very real. its like i think i should have to suffer. like i deserve to suffer.... i appear to be normal and sometimes i even beleive i am, but i'm not... why cant i show how i feel? have i been hiding for so long that i cant show myself? damn, i dont even make sense. i jsut dont know what to do. i'm sick of this. i dont want to suffer like this...but do i have the courage to get help... why do i feel so alone... Current Mood: blank Current Music: I'd do anything for love (Comment on this)
Friday, September 14th, 2001
12:49 pm	tuesday i dont know what to say... Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 28th, 2001
12:13 am	i'm back i'm back at school :) very happy!!!! anyway, i've been home(NC) all summer and kept busy taking classes and working. not much has happened. good things have come along with the bad. so, alls good. i'll talk more later. Current Mood: content Current Music: kathryn and melissa talking (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
4:20 pm	ITS SUMMER!!! I just finished my last exam.....YIPPIE!!!! Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 20th, 2001
1:54 am	Interesting.... Today was very interesting....very. very sexually oriented...hmmmm.... Current Mood: content Current Music: So happy together......:) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
3:54 am	by the way, i dont usually swear.... I forgot two things. #1-Fuck DUBYA #2- i actually dont swear. very rarely. generally during finals....so, i'm sorry if i offened anyone...i'm just need to release a little bit of anger and frustration.... (Comment on this)
3:37 am	In honor of the Terpidiot FUCK YOU thread.... As a terp, i often frequent terpidiots.com. it provides me with great entertainment, and you cant miss out on the riot pictures and orgy discussions.....anyway, i'd like to start another FUCK YOU thread here. It seemed very therapeutic for those that did it on TI.com. so, here it goes: FUCK Tanya Shields. Fuck Complit 270. Fuck those who voted to have an exam on study day. Fuck deliveru.com for not having salads available at 3am on a Wed. Fuck CORE and Diversity Classes. Fuck Glissant. Fuck Renan. Fuck The Official Story. Fuck Being There. Fuck Ontology. Fuck [H]istory. Fuck [h]istory. Fuck Woman at Point Zero. Fuck Being There. Fuck the University of Maryland for its diversity reqquirement. Fuck all those psychos here in college park that prevent me from going for a walk at 4am without craig or andrae. Fuck the guy who carjacked that girl last week. Fuck the arm robber a few streets over. Fuck the mall for having poor lighting. Fuck the vending maching downstairs for only giving me gum, not real food. Fuck skinny people. Fuck adultery. Fuck divorce. Fuck moving. Fuck big companies. Fuck Capitalism. Fuck conservatives. Fuck Ralph Nader. Fuck butterfly ballots. Fuck the people that closed DC General. Fuck the Friendly Center in Greensboro. Fuck gas prices. Fuck money. Fuck plane crashes. Fuck car crashes. Fuck mental illness. Fuck disease. Fuck depression. Fuck alcohol. Fuck migraines. Fuck pills. Fuck insomnia. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: hmmm...is there a FUCK YOU song? i'm sure there is.... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
8:54 pm	the calm in the eye of the hurricane i'm kinda calm right now...mellow maybe.hopefully this calm will last for a few minutes. i'm due for another round of anxiety in a few minutes... today was total hell. i had a killer migraine, was nauscious, really tired, and had to go to a early review session, and then failed an exam. the test was totally stupid. the questions were impossible and several of the possible answers were right. if i dont get a good grade, janet hunt in going down. so anyway, i got to get busy preparing for my worst exam tommorrow. breathe in, breath out. drink caffeine. breathe in, breathe out....breathe in, breathe out... Current Mood: drained Current Music: The Seige on Ch.10 USA (Comment on this)
1:36 am	Finals...Sminals...Who the fuck cares? I care. i wish i didnt. i'm so screwed. all of my classes are borderline, so i have to do exceptionally well to keep my gpa intact. damn grades! what ever happen to just learning? they're teaching us to cram and just learn the test material, not whats important. anyway, i have a socy exam tommorrow, a complit final wed, a ccjs105 final thursday, a socy final on friday, and then my stat exam next tuesday. couldnt they have spaced them out a little bit more. my complit is definately gonna be the worst. hopefully i'll be able to basically have written two 5 page papers before noon on wed, and just try to remember enough to write the exam. god, i hate the end of the semester :( teachers become nazis and students go crazy. ahhh....ok. well, i've got to get back to lovely studying, so i shall shut up for now. i just hope i live through this experience.... Current Mood: stressed Current Music: ahhh.....whatever my computer spits out at me..... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2001
10:21 pm	blah....... hmm... nothing new really. just kinda blah. Current Mood: blank Current Music: silence.... (Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2001
4:50 am	jim i really fucked up my relationship with jim tonight. i'm not even really sure how. anyway, i'm not very happy and i have a paper due in a few hours, and i havent started..... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: angel by sarah m. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 28th, 2001
6:20 am	brief summary as seen in aim profile.... although i had a good friday night/saturday morning, Brandon sums it up the best: "how can so much bad shit happen on such a beautiful night?" well, we're all still alive, and only will is in jail, so i'm sure everything else will work out. very, very interesting night. fat ladies, mysterious dominos lover, nitrous oxide, camilla, cigarrettes, chocolate and vanilla ice cream, the bet with kelli and craig, SNL, dan, ian, joel, smoothies, penguins, cops, walk w/ craig, dazed and confused, pauley shore, cops, pot, guns, rachel, brandon, hannah, will, silent bob, pants, walk again w/ craig & brandon, and now... Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: shawshank redemption.... (Comment on this)